The Real Housewives of Windsor
Infamous Welfare Queen Attacks Pregnant Daughter-in-Law
Roger LeBlanc (author of The Lazy Bettor’s Guide to the Kentucky Derby)
Warning: I’m about to write on a subject I know almost nothing about. The British royal family.
Recently my friend Oprah* (* Facebook friend) interviewed two younger members of the British royal family, now living in the USA. Apparently the quest of this married couple is to become ex-members of the House of Windsor — what I would call “Windsor Nots.” To this end the couple sought prime-time international coverage to talk about their old lives as disenchanted and very much put-upon Windsors.
True confessions: I haven’t watched the interview with Oprah, just like I’ve never watched “True Housewives of Jersey Shore.” That’s why when my wife and I were discussing “royal couple number two” I became confused. So I asked her, “Are we talking about the guy married to Meghan or the other couple? What are their names?”
“The other brother? I think his name is George. And his wife’s name is Catherine.”
“That doesn’t sound right. Are you sure?”
“Well, definitely her name is Catherine. Catherine Middleton.”
“But I would’ve remembered that. I would’ve thought ‘Catherine the Great,’ queen of Russia, and ‘Catherine the Middling,’ queen of England. Then her name would’ve stuck with me.”
Knowing painfully well how I tend to remember things in this convoluted way, my wife admitted she might be wrong about their names. “Anyway,” my wife said, “I’m talking about Meghan and the one she’s married to.”
“Okay. What’s going on with them?”
“It seems the royal family tried to smear them prior to Oprah’s interview being aired. They were afraid of what it might reveal, so they went on the attack. They accused Meghan of abusing staff assigned to her and announced they were launching an investigation into the complaints against her.”
“They’ll investigate her rudeness and broadcast it far and wide, but they won’t investigate the pedophilia charges against Prince Andrew?”
“Yes. But to be fair, they did cancel Prince Andrew’s birthday party last year. I guess that’s their version of being deeply concerned.”
[Roasting Pig Andrew: A Welcome To Fakeville Exclusive!]
“But what do they have to be concerned about? It’s not like some greater authority is going to find another royal family to replace them all. Hey Windsors, you’re all fired! We’re bringing in those Scottish country cousins of yours.”
Meghan Gets Royally Flushed
Apparently my friend Oprah* (*Facebook friend) elicited from Meghan accusations of racism against the royal family, as well as confessions about her contemplating suicide because of the royal bullying she endured whilst in the castle.
Always quick to protect the family’s public image, Queen Elizabeth wrote the following well-thought-out response to her daughter-in-law’s suffering.* (*Although I’ve replaced some of the Queen’s words with my own synonyms, my version of her letter is as unassailably true to me as the divine right of kings is to her):
“The issues raised, particularly that of race, are concerning. After all, one cannot afford to be viewed as racist in this day and age. One could have one’s windows broken. Or one’s castle walls could be tagged with graffiti. While recollections may vary — from the lunatic ravings of an interloper who abused the castle’s indentured servants to the very sane and factual accounts of the pure-blooded residents of Buckingham Palace — the accusations of racism by my son’s current wife are taken seriously. Rather than discuss this issue further publicly it shall be handled privately, perhaps with family meetings in Prince Andrew’s vacated office. So, in the kindest sense of the phrase, will all the rest of you please bugger off.”
From Roiling the Royals to Toiling in the Gigging Class
Lucky for Meghan and George (or is it Philip?), the royal family decided to circle their carriages. This means Meghan can continue to quietly earn a living as an Uber driver, while hubby Lancelot delivers groceries for InstaCart. And now that my friend Oprah* (*Facebook friend) has helped them air their grievances, the ex-royal couple can get on with their lives as fully severed Windsor Nots.
Queen Elizabeth and her randy sons remain on the public dole in Britain, but Meghan and Oliver have become self-supporting Americans. They won’t have the world’s most powerful police forces covering up their crimes. Likely they’ll have to supplement their incomes by gambling on GameStop and BitCoin like the rest of us. Oprah might even un-Friend them.
Let’s applaud their courage and welcome them to the USA. And if you happen to cross paths with them, please don’t forget to tip! They probably have to purchase their own healthcare too.
Or I could be wrong about all this.
Because I don’t pay that much attention to these folks, I might’ve missed the reports about them retaining their inherited wealth, their high-profile political and business connections and their essentially free top-notch healthcare. And they probably still enjoy automatic invites to family functions, where they can hobnob with the world’s movers and shakers as they plot to further pillage the working classes. On vast green lawns their children will still frolic, playing traditional upper-class party games like Bobbing for Tax Breaks and Pin the Tail on the Scapegoat.
If that’s the case, it’s possible the couple’s entire departure drama, as presented by Oprah and others in the mainstream media, just might be much adieu about nothing.
